Bethany Mota Bully Story from Dancing With The Stars

Bethany Mota, a Nickelodion and YouTube celebrity, recently did a stirring performance on Dancing With The Stars and told her story of being bullied. It is not only an amazing performance, but is extremely honest about how bullying can damage you and what coping mechanisms she choose to overcome bullying, including this amazing performance.

An Inspirational Way to Find an Outlet From Bullying

This is an amazing video segment from Britain’s Got Talent. These two young kids who call themselves Bars & Melody find a way to take their experience with bullying and channel it into a positive way to deal with and hopefully defeat their demons.

Part of any recovery from bullying damage is to find a way to express how you feel and release the pain you hold in your heart and your head. For me it has been a journey of writing, speaking,  journaling, and presenting to others. I also dream of one day making the documentary film that I want to do on the subject.

These two boys surprise everyone on the Britan’s Got Talent show and even themselves as they use their talent to help both themselves and many others watching, I’m sure. Also, the positive reactions from the audience and judges had to boost their self-worth and self-esteem, the two areas most damaged by bullying. It is an amazing TV moment and I hope you agree that it speaks to the good in our souls, even during trying times.

In addition, they were invited to The Ellen Degeneres Show. Ellen has been a big anti-bullying proponent and has done great work in bringing anti-bullying messages to her show so a wide audience can see it. Here’s the clip from their appearance on her show.

I hope we continue to see more of this way to work through bullying and have the community support required for recovery. Find the outlet that works for you, as Ellen suggests as well. It is the most cathartic way to work through your past bullying damage.

Using Fiction for Bully-Prevention Programs

Susan Coryell has been a good friend of my website and efforts for many years now. She had, a few years ago, written a wonderful novel on bullying called Eaglebait. Recently, Susan contacted me again and asked if she could share a blog on this site. I am honored to have her do so below. Ms. Coryell has a deep understanding of the complexity of the issue of bullying and the new diagnosis of C-PTSD that is now being defined by Psychiatric experts as what people who suffer for years afterward from the effects of bullying go through. ~Alan Eisenberg

EaglebaitBullying is universal, affecting every age group, ethnicity, and workplace, and the emotional damage can last, I believe, forever. Since the publication of my anti-bullying young adult novel Eaglebait, I have listened to hundreds of stories of bully victims.

As I prepared to host a panel discussion on bullying at a local library, I received a phone call from an elderly lady whom I will call Sylvia. “I’m bed-ridden and can’t attend your discussion tonight,” she told me in a shaky voice, “but I wanted to let you know my experience with bullying.” I listened as Sylvia hailed back to her school days where she was bullied from first grade until graduation because of her short stature and poverty. “We was poor but we was clean,” she stated. Many years later Sylvia attended a wedding. At the reception she spied one of her former bullies from grade school. “He tried to make nice and talk with me, but I turned my shoulder and refused. That’s how bad he hurt me. I still remembered the humiliation over fifty years later.”

Part of me wanted to suggest Sylvia try to forgive and forget, but my experience told me that was not going to happen. For some, the devastation of victimization never, ever goes away. While I find that sad, I am not surprised. It is possible Sylvia suffers from C-PTSD—complex PTSD, which occurs from chronic, repetitive stress.

When I shared my publication of Eaglebait with my writers’ group, I was swamped with my colleagues’ stories. Now, these are all retired folks. True, some of their talk involved their children and grandchildren who had experienced bullying. But many of their stories concerned themselves— who bullied them—how and when. As to where, most involved school. The sixty-somethings had not forgotten, though some had figured out and accepted causative factors in their bullies’ motives. I was inspired to write Eaglebait while teaching middle school. Psychology tells us that bullying involves an imbalance of power; middle school provides the perfect storm: three years’ worth of adolescents maturing at different rates physically, emotionally, and educationally, roaming common halls every hour between classes and lumped together in cafeteria, gym and other common areas.

As a teacher, I found that some students managed to rise above the bullying and move on positively; others never seemed to escape the heavy weight of devastation. Is there a way, I wondered, to help teens and tweens manage their way around bullying? I concluded that it boils down to building and maintaining self-esteem. But how to do that? I decided to write a novel to give kids some insight. Eaglebait’s 14-year-old protagonist , Wardy Spinks, is gifted, especially in the sciences, but he has no friends and does not know how to connect with his peers. His troubling home life and anti-social tendencies do not help matters and he is ruthlessly bullied by a group of jocks who entice others to participate through Facebook and texting. Wardy does three things most bully victims can also do:

He tells a responsible adult about the bullying (his grandmother), he finds a science teacher mentor, and, perhaps most importantly, he uses his interest in science to build a laser in his basement, which eventually helps him find other students who are serious about science.

Most school kids have an interest they want to explore or are already good at doing. It can be anything—computers, music, art, math, movies, mechanics, kite-flying. I tell them: Work at what you know and love best to gather a like-minded group of friends. Do tell a responsible adult about the bullying and, if possible, search out a mentor. There is hardly a teacher alive who would reject a student’s request for mentoring, especially in the teacher’s subject area. I cannot count the number of students I mentored as budding writers.

I remember a middle school student whom I did not teach. Tall, awkward and nerdy, the kid was bullied relentlessly in 7th grade. But he was a genius with electronics. He built a big board with buzzers, like College Bowl, went to his teachers for contest questions, and solicited students to compete in an academic contest at a school assembly. The student body could not help but be impressed, and the boy who had been the goat of the school in 7th grade became the hero in the 8th. I’m thinking, this individual has relegated his bullying trauma to the trash pile.

Bullying is a serious situation which can cause lasting consequences. I hope all who touch the lives of youngsters will recognize the importance of self-esteem as an antidote to the poison of bullying and encourage positive steps to raise and maintain that awareness in kids. It might save a lifetime of misery and self-doubt. I encourage you to take a look at Young Adult anti-bullying literature like Eaglebait and consider using it for any type of discussion or study group on bullying. Wardy’s misery will resonate with bullied youngsters and give them some hope for their own recovery.

by Susan Coryell

To order Eaglebait, click the link here: Eaglebait: Can a smart kid survive school bullies?

About the Author

As a free-lance writer, Susan has written for magazines, newspapers, chambers of commerce and professional journals. She also writes for several organizations at Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia, where she and her husband live. She is a member of Authors Guild, Virginia Writers and Smith Mountain Lake Writers.

A career educator, Susan has taught students from 7th grade through college-level. She has a BA degree from Carson-Newman College and a Masters from George Mason University.  She is listed in several volumes of Who’s Who in Education and Who’s Who in Teaching. One of her favorite activities is to talk with budding writers at schools, writers’ conferences and workshops.

She is the author of the award-winning, anti-bullying, young adult novel Eaglebait.

Susan has long been interested in Southern concerns about culture and society, as hard-felt, long-held feelings battle with modern ideas. She was able to explore these ideas in her cozy mystery/Southern Gothic A Red, Red Rose, whose fictional setting is based on Smith Mountain Lake in Southern Virginia.

When not writing, Susan enjoys boating, kayaking, golf and yoga. She and her husband love to travel, especially when grandchildren are involved.

Music Lyrics #17 – Invisible (Hunter Hayes)

Hunter Hayes, a modern and young country chart singer, debut his new song, “Invisible” on the 2014 Grammy Show some weeks ago. It truly shows how today’s society has brought the bullying problem to the forefront of our conscious and news. Now the great question is, what do we do about it? I have some ideas that I hope to share with you this year. In the meantime, I hope you will listen to and read the lyrics to Hunter’s perfect song on the issue.

Crowded Hallways are the loneliest places for outcasts and rebels
Or anyone who just dares to be different
And you’ve been trying for so long to find out where your place is
But in their narrow minds, there’s no room for anyone who dares to do something different
Oh, but listen for a minute

Trust the one who’s been where you are wishing all it was sticks and stones
Those words cut deep but they don’t mean you’re all alone
You’re not invisible
Hear me out, there’s so much more to life than what you’re feeling now
Someday you’ll look back on all these days and all this pain is gonna be… Invisible
Oh, invisible

So your confidence is quiet
To them quiet looks like weakness but you don’t have to fight it
Cause you’re strong enough to win without the war
Every heart has a rhythm, let yours beat out so loudly
That everyone can hear it, yeah, promise you don’t need to hide it anymore
Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different
Dare to be something more

Trust the one who’s been where you are wishing all it was sticks and stones
Those words cut deep but they don’t mean you’re all alone
You’re not invisible
Hear me out, there’s so much more to life than what you’re feeling now
Someday you’ll look back on all these days and all this pain is gonna be… Invisible
Oh, invisible

These labels that they give you just ’cause they don’t understand
If you look past this moment, you’ll see you’ve got a friend
Waving a flag, for who you are, and all you’re gonna do
Yeah, so here’s to you and here’s to anyone who’s ever felt invisible

You’re not invisible
Hear me out, there’s so much more to life than what you’re feeling now
Yeah, someday you’ll look back on all these days and all this pain is gonna be… Invisible
It’ll be invisible

Follow up on Alye’s Video Post

A few years ago, I posted a video that caught the attention of the media from Alye, a young lady hurt from bullying. She did a beautiful follow-up video one year later. that I want to share here with you. She certainly has a way with words and shows that, even though it can get better, the damage done from bullying can stay with you.

Filmmaker DJ Caruso Talks About Standing Up to Bullying

Standing UpI am blessed to have great friends over the years who have helped me continue to bring this website to you. One such friend from High School, Ken, is a film critic with his own blog called 1 More Film Blog. Ken and I share a passion for movies (in fact we may have skipped school once to catch Return of the Jedi).

Ken helped me reach out to DJ Caruso, a well known film director, who has just released in wide release a wonderful film about bullying and the ramifications of it called Standing Up. DJ has directed movies like Disturbia, The Salton Sea, Taking Lives, and Eagle Eye. But, for him, making Standing Up was a dream come true. The movie is based on the book called The Goats and for DJ, it’s been 11 years in the making. I had a chance to talk to DJ recently about the film and how the bullying theme affected his decisions to make the film and what it meant to him.

Bullyinglte: It’s an honor to get to talk to you about the movie you made, Standing Up, and that you are helping with the same causes that I’m focused on. I really appreciate that. I saw Standing Up on Netflix and read that it took about 11 years to get the movie together.

DJ: It was one of those situations where I read the novel (The Goats) way back when I was a PA and a reader when the novel first came out. It was one of those stories that stayed with me and was more like the movies that were being made in the 80’s. The type of young adult movies that I loved. John Hughes movies that had a soul and a heart that I feel today’s movies are lacking.

Every once in a while you’ll get a gem, but it’s really all about spectacle, so the novel stayed with me. I fell in love with the character Howie and if I could get a chance we could make it, I would. We shot it in 18 days and it was a labor of love, but at the same time, it was written 30 years ago and now with bullying and the cyber world, it’s even gotten worse. It just felt like the timing was right and having a few kids now who have had experiences, I felt it was time to step away from the Hollywood of it all to do something that I really wanted to do.

Bullyinglte: There seem be just a few movies that have a good message at the end for kids and the importance of that the way John Hughes did?

DJ: Yes. When you think about Ferris Bueller’s Day off and what Ferris did for his friend, the real theme is that Ferris is giving his friend an amazing gift. As entertaining as it is, it’s an incredibly smart movie that is laced with messages. And I’d rather watch those movies than the options that they have nowadays.

Bullyinglte: What I noted in standing up about Howie and Grace, like Ferris and his friend, is that there are kids that know how to handle conflict situations and diffuse them, and then there are kids and even adults that don’t have that capability. Did you recognize that theme as you were making the movie and where Howie’s strength came from with his ability to cope with more difficult situations?

DJ: I think that was definitely the intent. Howie was used to being that outsider and he had that experience of being that person. He has learned to live on fringe and learned to adapt and make things work and when the horrible things happen; he is already ahead of the plan and knowing what the bullies are thinking. So he has this intuitive skill. And the audience can feel from him that he has an incredible imagination and can find these new roads to take.

And Grace is not used to that, so she learns by the end to celebrate who you are and accept who you are. If you do that, then no matter what these people say or do, they won’t crush you. And on this journey, she learns that. She learns how to adapt. It’s funny to me how at the beginning of the movie she’s not well liked. You don’t necessarily like her. She’s had something horrible happen to her, but she’s not open and she’s not ready. She wants to go home and is complaining. And the gift she gets by the end of the movie then is the ability Howie gives to her.

Bullyinglte: The original book this is based on is called “The Goats” and there’s significance to that in that it’s what the bullies call the victims at the camp. What was the significance for you to change the title to Standing Up?

DJ: I didn’t want to change it, but unfortunately there are two other movies called “The Goats” and we weren’t allowed to use that title. Once we started to change it, we had to figure out a way to convey the spirit of the movie and other titles didn’t work out. It made them sound like the victims. They were downers, so Standing Up just felt like it was the right kind of message to get out.

We want families to want to watch this movie. Some of the letters I’ve gotten are so glowing. And when you deal with the subject of bullying, it’s so hard. I went and saw the “Bully” documentary, and it’s just so hard and I wanted mine to be a movie that people could talk about after. I have received numerous letters from parents that talk about how after watching the film, the entire family engaged in conversations about the bullying in their everyday lives. I wanted to make a movie like standing up that would leave a more positive message for families to watch together. For me the most important thing is that I felt this incredible kinship and my heart breaks all the time for victims.

So if you can make a movie about victims, but actually spend that private time with them to see what really shines and makes these kids special…and I think that’s what happens. The bullies never get to see that side, because of what’s going on in the school or the camp. For me it was to celebrate the spiritual and loving person these kids are and why you would want to damage these kids. It doesn’t make any sense..

It’s important that part of the preventative things that can be done are explored. If you are the person that does fit in, but isn’t a bully, that you can step in. I think it’s the bystanders that can help and not just say thank g-d it’s not just me. I used to go home when I was a kid and feel so bad for the victims. I think we need to find ways to understand.

Bullyinglte: There’s a lesson that teachers use called the crumpled piece of paper, where you write your name on a piece of paper than crumple it up and try to straighten it out. But you can’t ever get it back to straight. It’s an allegory on bullying. How does that tie in to your characters in Standing Up?

DJ: What I particularly felt with these characters is that you can have the damage, but also it can make you stronger on many fronts. Particularly what I wanted for the audience and the character of Grace in this dynamic of the movie is that…for Howie, he doesn’t have people to save them…but for Grace, it’s more about the journey and confidence she found.

I always felt that Grace, because of this, was going to be a more confident person and that she found herself along the way. It’s that you are able to be bullied and it’s not your fault but that you might not be so outwardly strong that people can prey on you. I would say 95% of the time, the people who are preying on others are making up for some inadequacy they feel about themselves, so they can make themselves feel good. So I felt like with Grace, there was some sort of growth of strength and hope from the immediate effects of the journey.

For Howie, there’s a bit more melancholy, a bit more sadness. I always felt it’s a little more realistic that Howie won’t be OK. So Grace found her confidence on this journey and might be less vulnerable. For Howie, the initial feeling might be ‘how do I move on? I’ll always be able to adapt. I’ll never be accepted or have a family.’ In a weird way, Howie is a great storyteller and great observer and that’s a kinship I feel with Howie. I was always observing and that’s how I felt as well.

Bullyinglte: I thought it very significant in the movie opening and closing scene, Grace is looking out the car window and you don’t really see the result. What was the significance of that opening and closing for you as the filmmaker?

DJ: It establishes her leaving the camp, and Grace reflecting back at a time in her life that, as horrible the situation was, what a gift Howie gave her. I wanted to be in Grace’s mind, because it was really about her growth. Howie didn’t have a huge amount of growth, but it’s really Grace who has the hope and growth and I tried to leave the idea of what the plan g-d might have for you and how certain things work.

I wanted to leave the message that sometimes these things happen and g-d has a way to take care of things and making things work. If you can learn from these things, then you can become a stronger person. And Howie gives Grace an amazing gift and I think that was very important.

In fact over the years, when we talked to other studios about the movie, they wanted The Goats to get revenge on the kids at the camp at the end and I told them that this is definitely not the movie where that happens. I always thought, my gosh, what screenplay did they just read that they want that to happen and what’s the message in that. You want to get beyond that. Bullying can become an endless cycle and that I thought it funny that the studios thought that.

Bullyinglte: How do you feel that, as a moviemaker, you are helping to resolve the issue of bullying?

DJ: Part of the responsibility is that people don’t like to have messages thrown in their face. People, in many cases embrace the outsiders in movies. People gravitate to these characters more than they do the good-looking star. So I think a lot of it is supporting those characters that are not necessarily the good-looking movie star type character. Making them interesting and making them compelling and have certain elements of what we find attractive. It’s their intelligence; they’re not in the norm.

The idea you want to spend time with people who don’t necessarily fit in. ..I think I wanted people to feel this. Those are the kinds of stories that I think we felt as kids. It all comes down to compassion and learning it’s OK to feel compassion.

There’s a boy who at first didn’t go to my son’s high school with a bunch of athletes. The boy didn’t get in right away. He was a little more of a theater guy and different and didn’t get in as a Freshman. But got in as a Sophomore. So on his first day, he wasn’t very uncomfortable and my son, the jock, athlete, baseball player just went up and gave him a big hug in the middle of all these kids. And his mother told me that her son told her that he did that and that it made him feel so good.

So he was nervous, because he didn’t feel like he fit in. But if people have the compassion to do this, because it was his very first day, his first minutes on the campus, he’s getting a hug from Mr. Baseball player, Mr. Popular…if you can teach your kids compassion it goes a long way.

Bullyinglte: I do believe that one person can make all the difference.

DJ: Yes, definitely. It really does take one person to make all the difference. I always hope that we can get back to the John Hughes type movies. There’s some good ones like Easy A or Perks of a Wallflower, and they just don’t get the attention they deserve.

Bullyinglte: How can people see the movie now?

DJ: Walmart embraced the movie at first and had exclusive rights, so it wasn’t in wide release. But now it’s available on iTunes, Amazon…it’s streaming all over the place. You can watch it on Netflix, you can watch it on Amazon and it’s available at the stores. You can now get Standing Up anywhere.

Bullyinglte: Well thank you for your time. I’m sure we could talk about bullying issues and John Hughes movie, but I thank you so much for your time. And thank you for making Standing Up, an important movie about bullying.

DJ: Thank you.

It was truly an honor to get to talk to DJ Caruso about his movie Standing Up and his candid sharing of his feelings on how bullying affects us. As a filmmaker, there is so much that can be done to help tell stories in a light that helps to show and resolve the bullying issue. I appreciate that DJ took the time to tell this story in Standing Up and hope you will take an opportunity to watch it and see the perspective he shared with me in our interview.