Whether you’re a classroom teacher, a student, or parent – understanding an issue like bullying is incredibly important. This infographic by Nova Southeastern University’s Masters Degree in Education Program covers many key components of the bullying conversation and ways to address the issue:
The idea of recovery from a past experience scares many of us. The idea of having to confront the pain of the past and to relive it is enough to make many become issue avoiders. But the truth is that recovery, while not easy, is necessary to get you on the right path again. Stephanie candidly shares her experience and understanding about ways she went through recovery. I know that she is spot on in her ideas, because I had to go through many of the same recovery techniques myself. ~Alan Eisenberg
As a survivor of Domestic Violence, I am no stranger to bullying. When we are bullied by anyone it is hurtful and leaves scars that time does not easily erase. When we are bullied by a partner or loved one the impact is incredibly severe. I think when we hear the term Domestic Violence we think of black eyes and broken bones. The physical. What we don’t think about as often, unless you’ve lived it, are the invisible bruises left by words hurled at their victims.
The world of the victim, the world I inhabited for quite some time, is ripe with a never-ending list of bullying tactics used by the abuser to assert control and manipulate their partner. This can include, but is not limited to, the destruction of objects, threats, name calling, and directly or indirectly harming animals and children. And honestly it’s difficult to pick one aspect that is the most painful. But it’s the words… the words that last.
These words replay in the survivor’s mind long after they leave. In flashbacks, moments of sadness and stress, and in a seemingly average moment to remind you what you should think of yourself (according to that person). It’s a record player of destruction that is very difficult to turn off and it plays for years on repeat. The key for me has been finding the pause button.
I don’t think recounting the words are particularly helpful to me or to you. And it doesn’t take much imagination to come up with a playlist of typical abusive terms and statements. I’m betting that if you’re reading this right now you have heard quite a few yourself. It’s not easy to forget, is it? And eventually that common thought becomes one you swear you created yourself. The crucial thing is to remember that you didn’t. The monster was not of your making and those words are not yours to own.
So what has helped me press the pause button? It has taken an arsenal of my creation. Venting to trusted friends that add positive reinforcement to that record in my head. Friends that remind me what I’m replaying is nothing but lies said by someone with nothing but bad intentions. Writing has of course helped and I can’t recommend that enough. You don’t have to be talented, just get it out. Write down everything they said, how it made you feel, and burn it. When the words start to come back, stop, breathe, remind yourself who said them. Go do something distracting like blasting music you love or hugging a pet. Exercise. Anything. Just get out of your head and stop the record.
I know, it all sounds like generic advice and you’re probably thinking “But I’ve tried all of that and it doesn’t work”. The thing is it didn’t work for me either. Not for quite a while. It took practice and more practice and more time. And eventually it stuck… a permanent pause button that I can access. That’s not to say that the record doesn’t ever play. It does. I just know how to play something else now. And you, dear reader, will find with practice your pause button getting stronger. I know this because you are stronger than you think and stronger than your abuser ever dared to imagine. You are the strongest person you know or you wouldn’t be here right now, reading this.
Something else that has helped me tremendously in calming the flashbacks, the memories, and my mind in general is yoga. I can’t recommend it enough for anyone recovering from trauma, from bullying, that suffers from any form of PTSD. And when I began I was out of shape, completely inflexible, and completely annoyed at even the thought of yoga. But I tried a free video and was hooked. Hatha yoga is perfect for beginners and has a lot of calm, soothing moves that are centered around meditation. This practice of slowing the mind and body helped me in healing tremendously. It put me back in my body and helped me truly care about how I was treating myself by not putting emphasis on self-care. It continues to help reduce tension, improve my sleep, and soothe my anxiety.
I can’t tell you how many times the record played over the years or how often I wished it would stop. But I can tell you that it gets better if you work at it. That pause button is there, you just have to find it.
If you are currently involved in an abusive relationship of any kind, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or call them at 1-800-799-7233.
~Stephanie March (writer and advocate)
As I come back from the last few months of writing my book “A Ladder In The Dark“, which I hope all of you readers have bought by now (don’t make me keep begging), here new pieces, I thought I would share what was one of the most valuable thing I learned while trying to cure the damage done to my psyche from the long-term effects of bullying. I found a book published a while ago by Dr. David Burns called “Feeling Good”.
The book is full of several items that help you to recognize the forms of thinking you might be doing due to psyche damage that, after you read, you’ll probably say like me “I do that”!
Luckily, Dr. Burns than discusses the way to untwist that thinking you have developed. Is it easy? By no means. It is work and changes you will develop over time. Dr. Burns discusses 10 twisted cognitive beliefs many people develop with the issue of anxiety and CPTSD, although that term was not coined yet when he shared this.
The first of his twisted thinking we do is “All or Nothing Thinking”. I was incredibly guilty of this. Think of it as always saying everything sucks. Nothing is going right! Truly, does everything suck? Has nothing gone right for you all day? That is the issue of all or nothing thinking. As we continue to say these all or nothing items, guess what? Our minds begin to believe what our mouths say.
So, eventually, you forget to be grateful for the smaller and more positive items that we all have, such as just waking up and breathing. Yes, that sounds like a simple positive, but it is one thing that did go right today, huh?
As Dr. Burns says about it, “You look at things as only black and white categories.” Kids are particularly good at practicing black and white thinking. So how do you untwist this thinking?
In this thinking, you are being a perfectionist and thinking about how you are not perfect. No one is perfect and we must understand and accept that. It is fine, so don’t sweat perfection. It’s overrated anyway. You might also be dieting and blow it one night and then say to yourself, “I can’t diet.” You discredit the whole week that you did good.
My favorite way to start to fight this compulsive way of thinking is to use a gratitude journal. Spend each day writing about how “thankful” you are, even for small stuff. Three items a day every night. Then, in the morning read them. Try not to write the same thing twice. Sometimes mine are deep and sometimes simple. For example, a simple one would be:
1. Thank you for letting me sleep well today
2. Thank you for letting my breath come easily today
3. Thank you for the phone call from my family
It could be that simple. Just start finding that life is not black and white. In fact each day usually has both good and bad. The more you gratitude journal each day, the sooner this thinking will change. Again, it is not easy. You have to want to change. And if, like me, you made it habitual, then it will take some time. I think it so important to watch that children don’t do this. It is something they tend to want to do and we need to help them see that there is good in every day. Life doesn’t always suck.
The next twisted thinking we will investigate will be Overgeneralization, where you see negativity as a never-ending issue. More next week. What do you think?
As I have discussed both on my website and book, there are certainly correlations between adult onset mental health issues and bullying, now known as CPTSD. Angela, an expert in the field, makes this clear in her story below ~ Alan Eisenberg
For so many years I did not make a direct correlation between what happened to me as a child and who I had become as an adult. I buried the trauma of being severely bullied because the pain from remembering was unbearable. What I had endured from the age of 10 to 14 years old had left deep emotional wounds that would not heal. It was easier to numb the pain by suppressing it and seeking other unhealthy ways of coping. The subconscious mind is a powerful thing. It controls our thoughts, feelings, and resulting behaviours. As much as we try to hide, ignore, or deny our pain, it is always there stored away in the subconscious part of our mind. We can choose to acknowledge it and begin to heal or we can spend our lives just surviving each day and searching for happiness in all the wrong places.
As a young child I remember desperately wanting to be liked and accepted by my peers. I was at an impressionable age trying to discover who I was and where I fit in. The bullying I experienced was what many refer to as friendship bullying. Every friend I thought I had, at some point turned on me in a very vicious way through verbal, physical, and social bullying. They were the peer reference group for many of the other children. They were the popular girls, and had a lot of social influence and power. As a result, when the bullying started, I had no one. When they turned on me, the entire school either participated in the bullying or stood by and did nothing. During the 80’s bullying was not taken seriously and was not even recognized as an issue among children or adults. It was considered a rite of passage and so, I had no support from the school or teachers. I was alone and it was the single most painful experience of my life. It left me feeling unworthy of love and acceptance
Talking about the specifics of what happened to me would take hours of writing and is no more or less painful than what many others have experienced or are going through at this very moment. The message I want to convey here is the impact that bullying can have on an individual if they do not have the tools, resources, and support needed to avoid the long term emotional damage that can occur from suppressing a traumatic experience of bullying. Many of us read the statistics of what can happen to targets of bullying. We hear about the risk of depression and anxiety if help is not sought early on. But there is so much more to it. The residual effects from depression and anxiety can result in extreme rage, self-hatred, paranoia, eating disorders, cutting, drug and alcohol abuse, isolation, unhealthy relationships, insomnia, physical ailments, and in many cases ultimately suicide. I know this not because I am a psychologist with a PH.D but because for thirty years I suffered from many of these disorders and symptoms. It was only when I reached rock bottom at the age of 42 as I reached for my bottle of anti-anxiety medication with a bottle of water in hand that I realized it was up to me. That I could no longer cope on my own. I needed help and I was ready to face my demons. I knew I would have to go back in time and re-live the experience. It was the only way I was going to be able to live a normal life. It was either that or leave those that loved and cared about me behind to mourn their loss. Going back meant the emotions would all come pouring out. The emotions that I was too terrified to express as a child needed to be acknowledged and released. I will not tell you that it is an easy process. What I can tell you is that if I had reached out for help sooner, I would have not suffered unnecessarily for so long.
Often once the bullying has ended, we believe that it’s over and we just want to move on. We don’t want to remember so we lock it away. We don’t want to talk about it because of the shame or the fear of what others will think. So, we suffer in silence hoping it will get better or the pain will just go away. Unfortunately that’s not how it works. Of course every individual and situation is unique and there is no cookie cutter, one size fits all, remedy for everyone. What I want people to understand is that there are people out there that understand. People who have been there that are willing to listen and can empathize with your experience. People that can give you guidance and healthy tools to cope. But ultimately it is up to us to recognize that we deserve to be happy and to reach out for help.
If you or someone you know has or is suffering from the effects of bullying I can offer you this advice from my own recovery process.
- You must acknowledge the deep-rooted emotions you are feeling. It is best to do this with a professional coach or counsellor. Once you begin to acknowledge your anger, shame, fear, etc. the emotions will become very raw and you should be with someone who is qualified to guide you through this process and bring you back to a place of calmness.
- Feeling your emotions means you must be prepared to walk through the painful experiences of being bullied no matter how long ago it occurred. Saying it aloud really helps but can feel awkward at first. For example “You made me so angry when you pinned me to the ground and punched me repeatedly. I was humiliated and did not deserve to be treated that way.”
- Learn to make the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This is CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). For example if we feel that someone doesn’t like us it may trigger feelings of fear or anger. That fear or anger may lead us to behave in a certain way such as avoiding that person or lashing out at them. Once you can begin to make this connection you will slowly begin to find the ability to change unhealthy behaviours and make better choices.
- Practice gratitude. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of expressing gratitude. Being thankful for what and who we have in our lives gives us the ability to experience joy. It alleviates feelings of resentment, bitterness, and envy of others. It can be as simple as writing one thing down a day that you are grateful for. Or you can say it aloud at the end of each day. You will be amazed at how much you have to be grateful for. It can be as simple as your morning cup of coffee. Gratitude is not something you feel it is something you practice.
- When you are feeling depressed and alone, try to remind yourself that it will pass and look for what may have triggered your bought of depression. Often it is our thoughts or distorted perceptions that lead us into a depression. For example “No one cares about me.” “No one understands what I’m feeling.” These thoughts can send us into a downward spiral.
- Try to gradually face your fears one small step at a time. For example, I used to be terrified to go to the local grocery store. I was afraid that I’d run into someone who I thought didn’t like me. I didn’t want to feel the rejection so I would avoid going. As scared as I was, I started to go. Once I did it, it became easier and I began to realize that my fears were irrational.
- Most importantly, you must work hard to believe that you are a worthy person. This comes from within and you will never find your worth through others. Learn to be your authentic self and appreciate all your good qualities and what you have to offer. I would highly recommend the work of Dr. Brene Brown. You can google her books, quotes, and YouTube videos.
I strongly believe in the words “We can’t control what others do or say to us, but we can control how we react to it.” Our youth today are up against an epidemic of bullying that has existed for decades. They need help. They need leaders, role models, and professionals that can help them if they are unable to help themselves. I have accepted what happened to me and learned to take responsibility for the person I want to be. My experience as painful as it was, was a gift. It has led me to a place in life where I can help others. I hope this article helps many, but even if my words reach just one, I am grateful to have done so.
Certified Professional Coach at Beyond Bullying Recovery Services
There are times, when it is very difficult for me to receive a post. Angelica wanted to share her pain of her brother’s death here with us and I truly cannot speak any better than she has. I wish I could tell her everything is OK, but in truth a life lost to bullying is a life unrealized. I hope that some comfort comes from her sharing her story here. Please also remember that my autobiography, “A Ladder in the Dark” is now available on Amazon and at online retailers. I hope you will want to read it and learn more about how we can all try to prevent this kind of pain that long-term bullying causes. ~Alan Eisenberg
Some moments my life feels almost normal. I’ll listen to a song and think, oh, Jonny would love this one. But that moment is soon ruined with the painful realization that he won’t. It hurts to think of how much he wasn’t able to experience. He had his life mapped out, but the burden of what was going on currently completely overshadowed it, and he could not see any way of making it that far out into the future.
Home was his only safe zone. And it pains me to know that it wasn’t enough. Our love wasn’t enough to save him. To read comments on how we should be focusing on his family and home life as the issue is just a knife to the heart. Many days, my brother would come home a little worked up and irritated, but we thought it was just normal, 16-year-old stuff. He would go to his room for about 15 minutes, and come out his normal, happy self. There were no signs of suicidal thoughts and he was not depressed. He was happy when he was with us, and always loving and caring.
The bullying he endured occurred primarily on school grounds, mainly verbally. There was some cyber bullying, but it was minimal compared to what happened at school. How are we supposed to protect my brother, when he is being taunted at school? To a group of kids chanting derogatory terms at him on a regular basis, to purposefully tampering with his shop project, glasses, and other possessions.
I suppose you’re wondering how we didn’t know. My brother saw what bullying did to my sister and I. He knew that if he told our parents, they would march into school and persistently demand that the situation be fixed. He also knew, that if they did that, it would only paint a bigger target on his back. There are serious flaws with the reporting process of the bullying policy that he saw firsthand. How was he supposed to have faith in an adult, when so few had helped us when we were being bullied?
When I moved here in 7th grade, I came to hate Edgar. My parents thought it was because of moving from a bigger to smaller school, but for me, it was because I was being bullied. I was not accepted and it was extremely difficult to make friends. For me, it was the rumors. Girls talking about how I would sleep with anyone, was on drugs, never showered, smelled bad because I defecated myself, and there was a lot of body shaming. The list goes on, and it only got worse. I reached out to a teacher, told her what was going on, and you know what she told me? Since I was new, it was EXPECTED. That I should shower and take care of myself. Another girl in my class was a victim of the same thing. This same teacher had us write on a piece of paper what we would say to her if we could go up to her in a judgement free zone. That quickly turned into writing what people hated about her anonymously and the teacher gave all the slips to her to read. That teacher is still employed, in case you were wondering.
I think it was around 8th grade when I started cutting myself. It went on for a while because I always wore baggy clothes because I had grown to be ashamed of myself and my body. It wasn’t until my little sister, Allison, told my parents did it eventually come to a stop. I took the time to figure out who I was, accept my individuality, and accept that it was okay to be different. I worked hard, to make sure others felt welcome, even though I wasn’t accepted. New students from the Catholic School weren’t always given a warm welcome. I made sure to become friends with them. When a foreign exchange student came, I made sure to become friends with her, and we still are, to this day.
My little sister, Allison, faced bullying with the edge of technology. Her situation upsets me so much, and since it was only a year ago, I’m assuming it is what discouraged Jonathan from reaching out for help. Sometime in October her Junior year, she was chosen by a group of girls. It started with things being thrown at her car at lunchtime. Then, our house getting toilet papered with some very derogatory terms written in our grass. But that wasn’t enough for these girls. Allison worked hard to not sink down to their level. They started showing up at her workplace, McDonald’s, to taunt her. One girl took it so far as to LITERALLY THROW a shamrock shake in her face, because she “made it wrong”. They started a Twitter campaign against her, in an attempt to get her fired. Around that time my parents found out how far it had gotten because she had broken down. They took screenshots of the tweets before they all got deleted, and reached out to the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor did nothing. They reached out to the principal and they had a meeting. The outcome? Allison had to WRITE an APOLOGY to HER BULLIES. My parents watched Allison for a while because they feared she would make an attempt on her life.
The flaw is, there is no report at school of any of this happening. There is no system or chain of how events get reported and resolved. When Jonny’s peers were being dumped in a dumpster, purposefully tripped in PE, or peed on in the locker room, with minimal resolve, how was he supposed to have faith in the system? Part of the problem is the growing nepotism at the school, and it slowly trickles down to the kids. I could go on and on about the problems within that school.
It pains me, that my brother will never meet my children. I hope that I have a son, so I can name him after Jonny. As much as I want to protect my future children, they will know what happened to their Uncle, and understand the hard struggle our family has faced. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I will continue to be Jonny’s voice. Change NEEDS to happen.
~Angelica Wesener (read more of Angelica’s posts on her website.)
Three years ago, I fell into a depression. This should not have surprised me, as I started a website called “The Long-term Effects of Bullying”. Unfortunately, I knew that what I wrote was true, but thought that I had been recovered. But it wasn’t so. As anxiety and then depression overwhelmed my whole being, I truly realized, even 5 years after starting this website, that I still needed help myself.
I did have choices. I could continue to do nothing and blame my low self-worth and my anger and resentment on the bullying that happened to me as a youth. I could take medicine that would mask many of the symptoms, but never fully cure me. Or I could seek true help from both books, groups who deal with the same thing, and professionals who knew ways to help people like me.
I think you know that I took the third option. It was still a long two-year climb out of depression and anxiety, but it does and for me did get better. Of course the biggest challenge was to come face to face with the bullying that I went through and accept it was in the past and could not be changed. Then, and only then, could I move forward.
Today, I am happy to say that I have and will continue to realize my true dream, which was always to help bullying survivors to overcome and thrive in life. Is it a lot of work? Yes, of course, because every day we see the results of bullying in national news where another child has taken their life, or a county is being sued, or new statistics come out.
Before I fell into depression, I had set some goals for myself. Many goals I couldn’t realize, because I didn’t have the self-confidence to move along with them.
1. Start a real company to try to help bullying survivors recover
2. Write a book of my experience with bullying
I am happy to say, that you can turn bad into good and I have now met both those goals and am moving forward on this journey that I hope you will continue with me on.
In February, I started my company called Bullying Recovery. It will work on many ways to try to reach out and help both bullying survivors and long-term bully to find recovery and move forward to thrive in life.
I am also happy to announce that Bullying Recovery’s first product is my biography, called “A Ladder In The Dark”. It is my story of how bullying changed my life, the long-term effects (C-PTSD) that I went through, and how I found my recovery through the help of many people. My book is now available worldwide through Amazon and Smashwords.
So, I am here to tell you that dreams can come true and that you can get better and meet your goals if you let yourself find a way out of the hole. Three years ago, I thought my life and good days were over. Today, I believe that my good days are still in front of me and it feels amazing. It was very hard work (probably the hardest work in my life), but now I feel that I am truly healed of my bullying damage. There are and always will be some scars, but I hardly notice them anymore.
I also want to share another good thing that has come out of the bad of my bullying. Along the way, I have met a wonderful community of people who also share the vision to help deal with bullying issues. Recently I met Dr. Robert Wright, Jr. and Christine Wright, M.A. of the company “Stress Free Now”. They had found me through another group that liked what I was doing and interviewed me and wanted to do a Podcast with me. We talked through email the phone and realized that we enjoyed what each other was saying and doing.
They are both amazing people and I now communicate with them often and we share our visions. After we did the Podcast, they have continued to support and help me. You can listen to our Podcast called “Bullying: How to Heal the Hurt” through the following links:
Stitcher Radio: http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/stressfreenow?refid=stpr
I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am to Bob and Christine and how wonderful it feels now to realize you are not alone and that a community is out there to support you or me or whoever needs the help. I am just one voice in this wonderful community of people who understand that bullying is not only wrong, but damaging and that we can make a difference.
Please consider reading my book, joining a discussion on my new business website and being a part of this community. If you are currently in pain, due to bullying, reach out and we will answer. You are never alone. I was never alone. After 8 years of sharing with you my thoughts and stories, I can finally say with all honesty that I believe it can get better if you let it and seek out the help you may need to overcome a tough mental challenge. Here’s to the future and the bright glow of a day when we can say we have made a change in the issue of bullying and the damage it does.
I am happy to announce that, after eight years of blogging about the long-term effects of bullying, doing countless speeches to groups on the subject, and fighting for the issue to be recognized, that I am adding author to the mix of learning. Ironically a new study in England shows that bullying does have a correlation to adult depression. I don’t call this good news, but just news that we needed to hear. Hopefully it will lead to further change.
But first, I am getting set to release in book Paperback and eBook format my book titled “A Ladder In The Dark: My journey from bullying to self-acceptance”. For long-term readers of this website, this book is not a surprise as I mentioned it at the beginning of the year.
So what is “A Ladder In The Dark” and why did I title it that?
Good question, the ladder is symbolic for the idea of being in a very dark place, which seems to have no escape, because it’s too dark to see. But for me, there was a ladder in this dark hole that I call anxiety and depression from youth bullying, but I couldn’t see it to escape. The book is about my journey of how I got to this hole and how I did finally find the way out. The book is a biography of what I went through and how I finally found my self-esteem years after the end of bullying, dealing with anxiety, and a dark depression.
For those interested, you can read and review the first chapter of “A Ladder In the Dark” at the Createspace site. I also have a video commercial for the book so you can learn more. I will announce here when it is released, planned for July 2015. I am very excited to share this announcement with you and look forward to your feedback:
Please share any feedback at the Createspace site or here on the blog site. Also visit my new company website at bullyingrecovery.org to learn about the other ways I am working to help change minds on the subject of the long-term effects of bullying.