A few things happened to me lately that I thought I would share here. The first was an interesting conversation with a female friend of mine who is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. After talking to her openly about what I went through and have been going through, she asked me if I ever felt like I was a woman trapped in a man’s body.
I was taken aback, I must tell you. I definitely never felt that way and love women. I love to be around women, because, honestly, I find their conversations and honesty much more riveting than most of the men I know. I have always been more comfortable talking to women about emotions and feelings, then sitting around with the men talking about sports and the weather. It’s just the way that I was built. Maybe that had something to do with why I was bullied as a youth.
“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”
That was it! Those were the words that I was pondering and that have haunted me all these years. Why do I feel everything so deeply and why can others just push it off like it doesn’t matter? Why do I care what others think and feel? Why am I emotional about things that others don’t seem to care about? Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve, want to talk about feelings and honesty when others just want to hide these things?
Because this is just who I am and how I am built. Is that more girlish? Are there other men that feel like they are still men, but want to share their emotions?
Don’t get me wrong, I can fix things and grill like no one’s business. But I am most fascinated and most touched by the emotions that others feel and I want to share that with them. Maybe that’s why the bullying hurt so much and why, in more recent days, I have dealt with the Anxiety and Depression that comes with someone who might feel more than others. Is it a right brain and left brain issue? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t believe that I am alone as a man. When I grew up men went to work and women mostly stayed home. They were the emotional ones, the caretakers. But now, I see things differently. I think we are slowly allowing men to bring their emotions to the table.
But now let’s think about children. Kids in their informative years. What if a boy is emotional and different? What’s the chance he will be the victim of a bully that get’s excited by making people emotional? Can’t we spot these children and help them before this happens? Don’t we know who these kids are? I think certainly a parent does.
But for me, it’s been a 46 year journey to my current reality. This reality is one where the above words have the power to help heal me and I know now heal others. No one is alone. I know we say it can get better and we can forgive, but it is much harder to forget. I have forgiven my past. I am learning to further let go of it. But it will always be a part of who I am. Like The Crumpled Piece Of Paper story I shared here, it cannot be undone, only healed.
Today I feel healed, but it has been hard work. I learn to live with myself, to love myself, and to know that I am a good soul due to these deep feelings that I have. It’s been an interesting ride so far, and I think I am starting for the first time to find a way to enjoy the journey. Whatever it may bring.