Hard to Leave It Behind Me (A Personal Story)

Melanie shared her story here before back in June of last year call Their Taunts and Insults. It was a powerful story and as we all do, we hope when we share our story we can let it go. But for many, it’s just not that easy. Now Melanie has shared her feelings again with us and is asking for some help. Please share your thoughts with her as she looks to the community for support. ~Alan Eisenberg

I do not know what to do. I thought after I told my story, that I can leave it all behind me. But I was wrong.

Memories haunt me in my dreams. I can think back on so many things.

Like the saying, “If you’d lived to Hitlers times, he would have gassed you with joy!”

And the terrible insults. “Witch, monster, freak, bitch, human being without friends, emo, ghost, ugly, fat …”. The rape threats. The one time where I was beaten. When they gave me the blame for everything.

The consequences of the years of bullying are serious.

Depression. Fear of humans. Suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempts. And so much more.

Twelve years. So many years have passed. And instead of that something has improved, it got worse.

I work for a year as volunteer assistant in a hospital (We call it Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr.).

I do help out in the mother + child Station. It’s fun to take care of the mothers and babies. To grant them any wish they have. If only that bullying would not be.

I do not know what I did wrong.

Every day I have a good mood. Every day I smile, I grin … Always be polite. I do whatever I’m told. I want to do everything right. Question, if I do not understand something.

I do my daily routine. Cleaned baby changing tables. Put clothes together. Distribute water and glasses. But every day I’ll be scolded. I clean the room not right when a Mom goes home. I order too much breakfast. If I do not know where something is stored, it is said again and again that I should know, after two months, where it should be. But if no one shows me where things are, I can not know that.

When I once asked if I could see a birth, came the answer that I would be immature. That it will be a treat. IF I work well. Also I was told that I am dependent. When I asked for examples, they said they had none.

They bully my personality,too. I have the level of a cat. I would like to get an education as a bilingual secretary. Or as a translator. To which came the reply that the level was too high for me. They also call me childish. Because I was running with a Santa hat through the Station. But I must say that the mothers liked it. They smiled and laughed and had so much fun. My colleagues say that it’s fun to see me suffer.

I have already complained. Attempts were made to clarify the conflict, but that never happened. I was described as the worst employee. In the end I have to say I was ashamed. And it got worse. The bullying.

Every day I go to work with stomach ache. Inwardly, I cry. Outwardly, I smile. But it takes a lot of strength. And right now, I fall apart. I have nothing to live for. Sometimes I wonder “Why are you still here?”. But then I think to myself, I am nothing. No one sees me. No one hears me. No one would notice if I was not there anymore. But I can not. I do not know what keeps me. But it’s there.

Sometimes I wonder, “Why do not run away? Relocate to another country? Begin a new life? And forget everything what happened?”

Nobody knows how much I suffer. And I need help.

I start a psychotherapy. But my fear is great that it does not help me.

Thanks for listening.


6 thoughts on “Hard to Leave It Behind Me (A Personal Story)

  1. HI there melanie… it’s that time of year to do speeches and my topic is bullying, your story inspired me and i was wondering if i could share it in my speech and use your title their taunts and insults… let me know as soon as possible

  2. Melanie- I know exactly how you feel- I was bullied from 5th grade and on… because after 5th grade my family moved every 6 months and I was always the “new girl” in school and never had the chance to fit in- just as that might happen, we would move again. I also suffered extreme abuse at home. I am now 48 and still struggling with those memories but am doing lots of “things” to make myself feel better. The memories really never go away- One just finds a way to get through it- This sounds corny but it is the theme to the animated movie “Finding Nemo” maybe you’ve seen it. It is a tough road but one has to fight everyday to be a better, stronger person and rise above these “horrible” people. I have been told , it was because others were jealous of me. Good Luck and GOd Bless You!!!

  3. Hey Melanie! My name is John. I am from Seaford, Delaware.
    I can feel your pain girl. Bullying is like a life thing, but there
    is a way to ignore or stop it. I’ve been bullied before. When I
    first came to america and started kindergarten, I got teased
    because i couldn’t speak english. Haiti is my main place so I speak
    Haitian. Anyway, what I did was ignore the people who teased me and
    decided to keep my life moving. Do I still get teased now?
    No……but I did something that not all kids would think about
    doing. Me and three of my other friends decided to create this
    group called TSBPA! It stands for Teenagers Stop Bullying Program
    Association. This program is not live yet but we are trying. We
    need people to help us be notice. We are starting at our high
    school first and see what happens from there. If you would like any
    information or your parents would, our email address is
    tsbpaco-owner@hotmail.com. So again, try to see if you can ignore
    them, and if you can’t, get help. Cutting yourself or suicidal is
    not the answer. Please contact us if you need help or need more
    tips!! Thank you reading this and see if you can like us on
    facebook and follow us on twitter!! -TSBPA Member John Domond 9th
    grader at Seaford Senior High School

  4. hi Melanie, i think it is a very sad and tough story you
    have. I can feel your pain, fear and suffering. I was bullied at
    school from 1st grade to 5th grade, but why did it stop at 5th
    grade? well, that was because I began to train martial arts and it
    strenghted both my body and soul, and the most important, it gave
    me self-confident. i was bullied, because I was a very slow
    learner, very weak and had ADHD. but it all changed, when i began
    to train martial arts! when the bullies came to me and tried to
    taunt, tease or hurt me, I talked back or used martial arts to
    protect myself. i really think you should try to start training
    martial arts, because it can change your life in a positive way! i
    hope this could help you out of being bullied. Mickael Jiang 9th
    grader in China

  5. God loves you. He sees. Everything has a reason. I too suffered much at the hands of others. When you are created a little different from the rest, the crowd just doesn’t understand. Hold on because one day it will make sense. For me it was a short note from a classmate I had never spoken to. She said she saw what I went through at the hands of others and that “I was too good to be forgotten” . For her, also shy and quiet, I was a source of strenghth. Iwas the ugly duckling with the crazy hair, bad habits, given an insulting nickname, and had a song made up about how ugly I was for my classmates to sing. I was often targeted and shoved or ignored.

    Today, I am 43. The child no one wanted is a married woman who is treasured by her husband. I have 2 children and teach at a middle school where I help protect others from what I experienced. Your time to shine will come. Ask our heavenly Father to help your healing.

    While you wait, know your smile and service are a blessing to the mothers and babies you serve and that others do see the beauty of your spirit. God never makes mistakes or gives you more than you can handle with his help.

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