This is a first for me, but I have received a sequel story from Mariah who wrote to me with her “The Loss of Self-Esteem” story. Her words below are encouraging. Mariah has a positive outlook on the progress of her bullying problem and my guess is she has a good support system around her that let’s her write such powerful words as she has below. She has shown me why I continue to share your stories and with the hope that they continue to help others and sometimes ourselves. ~Alan Eisenberg
It’s me again, Mariah. This may seem odd I know, to update you but It makes me feel better. I may start doing this towards the end of every one of my high school years since this is around the end of my Sophomore year and the last one was at the end of My Freshman year. It’s nice knowing that there is a network of people out their who don’t judge and offer encouragement. I responded to so many comments but not all. If I didn’t I apologize but think you for the comfort.
Just as I feared the bullying has not stopped, it has decreased a lot. Honestly, the main change would have to be the way I handle it and my general attitude about it. It used to tear me apart, it used to make me cry and have fantasies of suicide. Now, I let go. I let it all roll of my back in a way that has amazed me honestly. I honestly think it’s because I’ve given up on them. I’ve understand more that their word will not change me. I am the same person I was before they said it. I’ll admit though I’m not above getting hurt every now and then something will get and occasionally i have to comfort myself with unknown thoughts you know basically the whole they’ll all be working for me one day, or the best they’re gonna grow up to be is white trash etc. I stumbled upon my story on your website on a whim. Because I enjoy looking up what others have been through and actually use it to help me with my stories, because they often involve a form of bullying because it’s whats close to me. Than I stumbled upon your site and remembered I had submitted my own. Then I found it I was slightly amazed, the biggest thing I looked at was the title chosen for my story, “The Loss of Self-Esteem.” , and the summary given. I realize it was truly and utterly perfect. People often don’t seem to realize the impact our mere words bring. They can revolutionize the world, shatter a life, and shape a future. Maybe if they had made a different choice of how to use their words I would be different.
Maybe I would have been more encouraged to lose the weight, maybe I would be an athlete, maybe I would have a paramour, maybe I would be a bubbly outgoing girl or maybe I would still be the cynical sarcastic girl just I wouldn’t be writing this. God only knows. Most of the bullying has been cut down, today actually, my physical science class took a field trip to old man’s cave. I ended up lost accidentally walked to miles of the way, on the way back I couldn’t breathe and actually fainted. I was later told by a friend that some girls commented that if I wasn’t so fat I could have walked it. She encouraged me to tell the principal. I ensured it was fine and I didn’t mind because strangely I didn’t. I know I should have like I used to but I really was fine. Because my being overweight has stopped bugging me, I have literally talked to my mom and told her, “I know I’m overweight or fat if you prefer, I will never be thin or skinny I don’t have the body for it. I’m wide-set so I wouldn’t look healthy skinny. So, I refuse to kill myself over an impossibility,” I actually learned I understand food and body shape better than the thinner kids at my school. Besides I just figured if someone almost died and you insult them, your just showing your true colors.
Another of the biggest changes is I’ve realized part of the reason I’m such an easy target besides my physical appearance. In part because of a teacher who one day simply asked me why I sat away from everyone. I sit in the corner away from them. I simply said choosing not to elaborate that I didn’t have many friends in my grade. He said he understood since I didn’t act like anyone my age. When I asked what he meant he said I’m mature, a compliment I love personally, he said I talk and write like a college professor. He mentioned that I seem very isolated and actually comfortable with it, something he says he personally commends. I realized how this is, in fact, very accurate. I am a rare example of a teenager who is perfectly comfortable being alone. Actually preferring it at times, I do enjoy a good chat but I need them to I guess keep up with me.
I have little time for small chat and most of my conversations have to be about my interests or an important issues. If I feel like it’s lacking I can write you off and maybe that offended people. Maybe they found it weird marking me an outsider. No one’s perfect and I’ve made my mistakes. haven’t we all. I choose not to blame myself because fort he simple fact, yes I may be dismissive but that’s no reason to taunt me. I actually took a personality test using the myers briggs system, I came out an INTJ. This shared among Stephen Hawking, Issac Newton and many other famous scientists…and murderers but let’s not dwell on the negatives. This actually helped me a lot not only giving me confidence in my future but also letting me know part of why I was so different. It’s simply part of who I am.
I have been healing I have been recovering. I still believe firmly that I will never be the bubbly little girl I once was. The wound may heal but the scars remain. That’s a fact, ever little insult. Every suicidal thought and every time I cried myself to sleep has changed me. For better or worse, only time will tell. I’m still young. The biggest thing I feel is that my life will change over time, this is just a part of who I am, a victim, a target but it will never be me entirely and you know maybe one day they’ll realize what they’ve done and how it hurt me, maybe they won’t. Maybe karma will get them, maybe it won’t. But I’m still here and I’m still fighting to be whoever I’m meant to be.. Every scar on my soul has changed me in one way or another. Everyone of them a story to tell a leading to an unknown future. I can only hope that whoever I’m meant to be is good person and put that little cynical voice to rest. All I know for now is that I am Mariah Osborne, a book lover, a cynic, intelligent, and sometimes blunt teenage girl living through it growing stronger and hopefully letting wounds heal while dealing with the scars.
I know this was less of my story and more of my thoughts and for that I apologize but I felt I needed to inform you all, I’m getting stronger and letting any victims know once it’s over you will be changed that is an inevitability but you can be stronger learn to love who you are, because that is more important than every little scar you get,
A Stronger Mariah