Seeking Your Bullying Stories for a Book

My Blog is celebrating it’s 1 year anniversary this month. As part of the 1 year celebration, I am moving into the next phase of my long-term plans to help fight the bullying issue. I am going to be writing a book on the issue, but will need your help or the help of people you might know.

I am seeking your bullying stories. Were you bullied? Were you a bully? Are you still bullied? Are you still a bully? I’m looking for both perspectives. There is no good or bad story. There is no right or wrong story. I just would like to collect your story and be able to talk to you about how it has affected your life. If you would like to have an opportunity to tell me your story and possibly be published in a book that I hope will help many other people, please email me at: bullyinglte@yahoo.com.

Include the following in your email:
1) Your Name
2) Your location in the world - Where are you?
3) How you prefer to be contacted (email or phone) and include your contact information
4) A short few sentences about you (ie - I was bullied for 10 years and feel…)

I will be collecting this information from interested folks for the next few months and then will begin the interview process. Thanks in advance for your interest. It is my hope that, through our stories, we will be able to help others see they are not alone and help to heal. Again, thanks for reading and staying with me on this issue.

Bully Incident #15: The New Home (1981)

Soon after my final fight with Robert, my father got a new assignment in Washington, DC. We moved to Fairfax, Virginia from Lexington, Mass. I felt that I could get away from the bullies and start a new life at age 13 in a place far away from those kids of my past. I was happy to be moving.

We moved into a very nice house in a new neighborhood. I immediately met some other boys my age that I would be going to school with and we seemed to hit it off and become fast friends. This was all very good and I could tell that these kids were a bit different. They weren’t as rough as the kids in Lexington. That made it better.

The kids in the neighborhood and I formed a little band as I started to learn guitar. That was a nice escape from the past and music was certainly something I wanted to have as an escape. We had fun in our little band. As school started, I seemed to find some friends. But, I found quickly that the friends at school were not the neighborhood ones. As the school year continued the neighborhood friends and I drifted further apart. The little band broke up and the bus ride home wasn’t as much fun.

I can’t say I ever really got “picked on” like the old days, but one day, when I got off the bus, the neighborhood boys that were originally my friends started to push me and trip me up. Nothing big, but they were definitely not just being funny. I just didn’t see it coming. Luckily, at about that time one of the neighborhood girls and I had become friends and she yelled at them and told them to grow up. That ended it with those boys. But it also ended my friendship with them.

That was the last time I recall getting picked on. I pretty much found my friends and they accepted me. But, I still carried the burden of the old days with me. Then, one day I had a chance to experience the other side of the fence.

A rumer had started circulating that a boy named Howard and a boy named Mike were going to fight after school. It was a big deal and you could feel the energy vibe throughout the school. I could have walked away, not gone to it, but I was feeling like, for the first time, I was on the other side of the bullying. We all knew what would happen. Mike was a lot bigger than Howard and Howard would lose.

The rumor mill was so big that the school got wind of it. This was the early 80s and schools were not prepared to break up a gang. And that’s what they had. At the end of school, just about every kid left and crossed the street to a dirt area where the fight would be. It was a huge crowd. We made a circle and the school administration could not break in. I remember watching all this, feeling like I was distanced from it and just witnessing. Then I saw the two boys. It was obvious to me that Howard was in a rock and hard place. The event had been so built up that he had to show up. He had no choice.

The two boys circled each other in the middle of the large crowd. There were shouts from the mob to fight. It started to get pretty scary. Howard put up his fists and then Mike lifted his hand made a fist and brought it down on Howard. Then it was over. Howard was down and that was that. It was anti-climactic and just plain ugly. I wanted to leave and needed to leave. I walked home by myself, the whole time wondering why I went. I knew what Howard was feeling. I had been there before and I didn’t do anything to help defend Howard. I was just glad it wasn’t me. Sounds selfish, huh? Well, it probably was and I was 13 and just feeling like I wasn’t that kid anymore.

To be honest, there wasn’t another fight I recall that year. It was much quieter in Fairfax, VA and I pretty much laid low and didn’t make much noise. I had my friends, I had my music, and I kept to myself. It worked out for me. But, at least on that fateful day, it didn’t work out for Howard. I still think about that once in a while to remind myself that I can’t let that happen again, if I can help it.

The Florida Cheerleader Beating Case

Did you catch this story about eight kids kidnapping and beating a girl in Florida, while taping it and putting it on YouTube?

While flipping channels last night, I caught this on Nancy Grace. As bad as the Billy Wolfe story is, this story deals with true criminal behavior and bullying at one of the worst levels.

It seems that 6 Cheerleader girls lured another girl to a house. Two boys, one over 18 blocked the exits while the other girls beat on this girl while videotaping the whole thing. Then they put it up at, of course, YouTube.

Now they are going to be charged with several felonies, including kidnapping, false imprisonment, and battery. Another disgusting story about bullying behavior that needs to be taken care of with severe punishments for the bullies. Agreed?

Do The Victims “Ask” To Be Bullied?

The Billy Wolfe blog post I put up a few weeks ago has generated quite the conversation. Given that the New York Times published the big story, I am not surprised at the amount of involvement in conversation that this post generated. That said, I am surprised at the wonderful “free speech” dialogue about the Bill Wolfe story.

But, one of the interesting points that keeps coming up in the conversation is the idea that Billy Wolfe has asked to be bullied by his actions and attitude. It has repeatedly been said in the conversations that Billy is antagonistic, egotistic, an instigator, and just someone that “asked for it”.

Of course there are two sides to every story. But it continued to have me think about this concept. Did I ask to be picked on as a young 6 or 7 year old? How did I act? Well, certainly I liked to be the leader. That’s part of my personality. Also, maybe I was a little quirky. Honestly, I always wanted to act older than I was, so in some ways I’m sure I came across wrong. I was also a bit small, a bit shy, and a bit of a kid who wanted my way. Do you know anyone else like this? So, did I ask to be picked on…beaten up…treated in inhumane ways?

Billy Wolfe is now a teenager. Based on “his” story and some of the dialogue from the school folks and kids from his school he has been “acting” like he has for a long time. Matt Lauer on the Today show actually asked Billy if he brought any of this on himself. Watch it yourself.

Now, Billy says in the Today Show interview that he does nothing to bring on these attacks. But I would argue that maybe he doesn’t even realize what is happening. After years of abuse at the hands of bullies, could it be that he has lost his ability to react in any other way but a defensive way or even as an instigator now, because he just expects the abuse. In the Today Show interview, I see a thousand mile stare from his eyes. I know that after years of abuse, I had lost my ability to make good fight or flight decisions. I would react many times based on the assumption of being attacked. I would argue that, if Billy has been in this abuse for this long, then it’s quite possible that he is reacting in a way that few, except those that have had this abuse can understand.

This is why I think it is so essential that we try to find help for Billy Wolfe and those like him. Damage is being done to the psyche of these children and if it not handled in the early years, what will a child like Billy grow up to be? Are you ready to deal with an adult who did not get help from these early years of abuse?

So, if you are one of the students at his school, what can you do? Do you want to judge him or help him? What can we do to help turn a person like this around and fix the situation? Those are the questions to ask. It’s easy to judge someone, but getting into their shoes and getting past the idea that the are “asking for it” to help solve the problem is the hard part.

Billy Wolfe - The Reluctant Victim

My friend and co-worker Jay Ferrari sent me an article from the NY Times about Billy Wolfe, the tragic character who was recently caught on a cell phone video getting attacked by a bully.

But, of course, that is not the end of the story. He is 16 and this has been happening for 4 years, since he was 12. The school district knows about it, but seems to place blame on the victim.

It remains unclear why Billy became a target at age 12; schoolyard anthropology can be so nuanced. Maybe because he was so tall, or wore glasses then, or has a learning disability that affects his reading comprehension. Or maybe some kids were just bored. Or angry.

Whatever the reason, addressing the bullying of Billy has become a second job for his parents: Curt, a senior data analyst, and Penney, the owner of an office-supply company. They have binders of school records and police reports, along with photos documenting the bruises and black eyes. They are well known to school officials, perhaps even too well known, but they make no apologies for being vigilant. They also reject any suggestion that they should move out of the district because of this…

Judging by school records, at least one official seems to think Billy contributes to the trouble that swirls around him. For example, Billy and the boy who punched him at the bus stop had exchanged words and shoves a few days earlier.

But Ms. Wolfe scoffs at the notion that her son causes or deserves the beatings he receives. She wonders why Billy is the only one getting beaten up, and why school officials are so reluctant to punish bullies and report assaults to the police.

It’s more disturbing then this. Read the whole article at the NY Times site. Let me know your feedback. I am certainly disturbed at the way Billy was and is treated. What do you think. Watch the video!   Is it telling the whole story? What is the school’s responsibility? I have to wonder, when will we see some real change here.

The Hard Next Chapter

So, time has gone by and I’m finding it tough to write the next chapter of the story here. It’s not that I don’t want to continue and finish the stories of my youth of being bullied, there are only a few stories left, but it’s more that the last story told was the most painful one to tell. Even years later, it still haunts me to have to deal with the use of a weapon to defend myself.

That said, this Sunday I read a very interesting story in The Washington Post that brought reality to my situation. The story told of a boy in Prince William County, VA that was dealing with a bully situation. A bully was stalking him and his younger brother. The article goes on to say that the boy ran home and got one of those plastic pellet guns to scare off the bully. What happened next is a lesson in the difference between my youth and today’s zero tolerance society.

That apparently ended the incident but began a 12-year-old’s hands-on lesson on zero-tolerance policies in today’s schools. Administrators, mindful of fatal shootings that have occurred on or near campuses across the country, say they must intervene swiftly and forcefully any time gun threats emerge.

In general, a student who makes a credible threat against another student, teacher or the school is immediately suspended and later taken to the school with parents for questioning by a psychologist and social worker.

“We’re looking at whether the student is rejected or excluded by peers. You’re looking at a history of violence,” said Audrey Davis, a clinical psychologist who is the Prince William school system’s threat-assessment coordinator. “We’ve had kids who say, ‘I feel like the Virginia Tech guy.’ I have students who have revealed they are having hallucinations, that demons are speaking to them, telling them to destroy.”

I guess I got lucky. This boy has been suspended now for over 10 days. I imagine there is some debate about whether he was defending himself or would he have gotten a real gun and killed someone. This is a real issue and by punishing the boy who was being bullied, I have to question, are they punishing the bully too for creating the incident?

Revenge Bullying - A Sad Story

I found a sad story about Revenge Bullying that came out of Colorado. The Denver Post reported that an 8th grade boy was picked on and beaten by some classmates, because he has a German name. Adrian Ulm was called a Nazi and beaten so badly he had to be hospitalized with broken bones and a head injury.

Now the interesting part is that the justice system says that this cannot be declared a Hate Crime. How can that be? The argument made in this case is that Adrian fought back. The boy who beat him up wanted to fight and Adrian decided to defend himself in order to make the bullying stop.

Now he has a hospital bill and no recourse. This just doesn’t seem right to me. If tables were turned or the case was presented differently, then I believe it would end up in court as a hate crime. In the Denver Post article, it goes on to say:

His attacker won’t face criminal charges, because Adrian voluntarily took part in the fight, the Ulms were told. But a 2-year-old amendment to Colorado’s hate-crime laws could make Adrian’s assailant the first youth in Colorado to be sued for punitive damages on the basis of school bullying.

“I would definitely describe this as a hate crime,” said Adrian’s lawyer, Gregg McReynolds, who has not made a decision about a suit…

David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire’s Crimes Against Children Research Center, agrees it’s important for schools to take bullying seriously.

“You need lots of options,” he said Monday. “But first, you need a criminal-justice system and a school system that takes it serious.”

I agree that we need fairness in the system, but more importantly, we need a system that takes these things seriously.

The Pink Shirt Gang - Part III

The story of the Pink Shirt Gang just won’t go away. On Hard Jarch’s Blog he mentions that tomorrow is “wear pink day” as an anti-bullying message. This is organized by Christy Clark in Canada. Of course this comes from the incident in Canada in September, when the boy went to school in a pink shirt on the first days of school, only to be picked on by a bully for wearing pink.

Didn’t hear the story? You can read it in my two blogs I wrote back then. I’d love to see this movement spread all across the world. Below is a reinactment video of the “Pink Shirt Incident” to give you an idea of the powerful idea that these kids came up with to battle bullying.

Bully Incident #14: The Weapon - A Decision of Fear (1980)

“I’m going to kill you!”

 That’s where we left off last, with Robert R. saying those words to me. I don’t really recall the next few thinking steps I made. I was only 12 or 13 at the time. I just recall the fear I had and the belief that I really did think he meant it. I’m not sure, looking back, if I was just shell-shocked from all the past bullying or if I just felt that I was cornered and didn’t have any ideas on how to get out.

But somewhere over the next few days I made a decision. It is a decision I still think about. A decision made in fear and ultimately, in self-defense against what I felt was an aggressive, strong person. I decided to carry a weapon to school to protect myself.

OK, here’s where you start worrying. It has led to this. He is bringing a gun to school. Well, this was the 1970s folks. I couldn’t get  a gun and taking a gun to school was not even thought to be done yet. What I’m referring to is a sharp file. It had a pointed end, but was a file for filing fingernails. Now I know some of your are laughing, but it was metal and pretty sharp. I realize now I couldn’t do a whole lot of damage, but at the time, I was not thinking that. I brought it every day with me. It sat in my pocket. I was paralyzed with fear.

I decided on another strategy as well. I decided to tell Robert’s friends that I had a knife and if he came after me, I would use it. Well, needless to say, this back and forth between Robert’s friends trying to tell me I was dead meat and me telling them I had a knife went on for several days. Then, the day came that I was dreading. I was still walking that path through the woods to avoid a bully seeing me. But Robert had found out about that.

“After a 30 minute walk around the path where I tried to hide from the bullies, I emerged at the point where I could see the road. And there, looking down at me was Robert. I had no choice but to walk up to the top. I could hear him calling after me. I was petrified. I reached into my pocket and put my hands around the file.

“I’m going to kill you”, Robert said to me, calmly, almost deadly to me. My heart was beating. I didn’t want to fight him. I was tired of fighting. I pulled the file from my pocket. At the top of the path, where it met the road, Robert immediately threw down his backpack and took a swing at me with his fist.

I slashed with the file. My heart pounding in my ears. I slashed and it made contact with him. I saw the surprise and then the pain on his face. He screamed out in pain. I caught him by surprise. I was sick to my stomach about having done it, but it was done. While I had the element of surprise I ran down the road for the long mile to my house.

I turned and then saw Robert running after me. He was angry and I assume in pain. I had no idea how much damage I had done. I just ran. I ran out of fear. I ran out of worry about what I had done. I ran because I figured if he caught me, he WOULD kill me. I was 12. I was terrified.

I ran the whole way home. There is no way I could do that today, run a mile. But I did then. He ran the whole way too. I recall my grandmother was at my house recovering from an operation. There was a large driveway up to my house that I had to go up. I ran up that yelling for my grandma the whole way. Robert was right behind me. My grandmother must have heard me, because the door opened just as I got to it and I ran into the house.

There was Robert outside the door. Yelling into the house. Yelling at me and saying I stabbed him to my grandmother. He was still screaming when she told him to leave. I looked at his side and he had a rip on his shirt. There was a little blood and he had a scratch from the file. But for me, I might have well cut him deep. I never wanted to have or use a weapon. I regret having it, but the fear was too much at the time.

Now I wonder if some of these stories of kids who were bullied and bring a weapon to school were feeling the same way, but took it to the next level. Is fear that strong that it can guide us to make these decisions. I have never carried a weapon since this day. I don’t own a gun. This is the big story. This, for me, was the life changer in my bullying days. After this incident, nothing compared to the fear I felt here.

What do you think? Do you think that fear can drive people to do things such as use a weapon and act in ways that aren’t natural for them? I am afraid that I do believe that this can happen and that we have to continue to watch carefully for signs of fear in our youth.

To this day, I regret having that file, pulling it out, and using it. I know I didn’t do much damage to Robert. But I do have to tell you that Robert did not bother me again. I had tried to warn him through his buddies. I had tried to avoid him through walking the path. But in the end, there was nothing I could do to avoid the confrontation. And so, the choice I made is one I have to deal with. To live with, the rest of my life.

Joan Bedinger (1939-2008): My Mentor

And now for something completely different…

I found out last week that my mentor, teacher, and friend Joan Bedinger passed away. Joan was my high school drama teacher from 1982-1986 and my friend and mentor after that. While we drifted apart over the years, Joan was never far from my thoughts. So, how does this fit into my blog about bullying?

High School ended the period of my life where I was picked on. But after years and years of it, I had developed a stand-offish personality. My sister had joined the drama group in high school and I was introduced to Joan when I was in 8th grade by my sister. She could not stop talking about her and how great she was.

One day, after school I walked from the Middle School to the High School. I went in to the drama classroom and Joan, or Ms. B as she was better known during those day, immediately greated me and said that my sister had told her all about me. She made me feel special and welcome. She asked me if I was going to take drama next year. Before that “moment” I hadn’t thought about it. But after the visit, I decided to sign up.

The next year I started drama. I knew very quickly I had found my group. I don’t want to say they were like me. Certainly there were some shared traits. We didn’t talk about whether we had all gotten picked on. It wasn’t like that. It was more about the fact that, this group accepted all who came to them. There was no popularity contest. There was no bullying in the group. You could be who you wanted to be.

But, better than that, there was Ms. B, who treated 14-18 year old like adults. Who gave us opportunities to excel and encouragement to do more than we thought possible. I saw this person take people who were shy, and turn them into extroverts on stage. I saw her put teams of drama people together and create fast friendships with memories and “moments” that last a lifetime. I saw her take the young man I was, and make him forget about his bully days. Make him believe that he could be liked, he could be successful, that he was talented, and that he could do anything he wants. She made me who I am through her teaching, mentoring, and friendship. I wouldn’t be in the career I am today in video and media. I wouldn’t be a confident person without her mentorship.

At age 14 I was building sets for “You Can’t Take It With You”. Then at 15, I was starring in “The Wiz” as a character she allowed me to make up. She directed me, but trusted me 100% and asked me to take chances. When I was 17, she asked me to be the assistant director to her for Mame. When Ms. B asked you to be the assistant director, she was really asking you to be the director. I recall those days clearly, sitting next to Ms. B and learning about how to lead a team to success. How to make people feel confident when they doubted themselves. How to make people forget about bad times and escape into the acting world and use their past “moments” to bring up their feelings through acting.

At the end of that production, Joan gave me a gift. She gave me a silver cup with the inscription that said “My Right Hand”. There is nothing I have received over the years that has affected me more than that cup and those words. I don’t think to this day, Joan Bedinger knew the full impact she had on the lives of those who were students under her. She changed many lives and certainly took me away from those days of bullying and brought me into what my life could become.

Even though I hadn’t seen Joan in almost 10 years, she was never far from my thoughts. Two days before her passing I was talking to my mother about wanting to visit her. Two days before. My mom actually called me to tell her she saw the obit in the paper and that it was ironic that it was two days prior that I was talking about Joan. 22 years after my high school graduation and I still talk about Joan. I told my kids about her passing. I told them that one of my wishes for them is that they are lucky enough to have a teacher that is their mentor and friend as well. I think out of all the things I wish for them right now, that is one of the most important to me.

 The “moments” that Joan Bedinger gave me in my life will always be near the front of my mind as I continue forward with this life that she helped me mold.

 

 

Joan Bedinger ( 1939-2008 )