An Opinion On The Bullying Debate

Following on the heels of the last post about the USA Today article, I also received this post request from Suzi S. who wanted to put her thoughts about the current bullying issues going on in the world around us. I think that Suzi brings up some good questions and comments in her post that she would like to share here. Please comment back on your thoughts on Suzi’s opinions shared here. ~Alan Eisenberg

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MY OPINION
(thank god I have one)
ON THE BULLY DEBATE

Bullying vs teasing…. NOT THE SAME!!! To many people think it is and go waaay over board.  Let’s not confuse the two. The word bullying has been overused, misused, and misunderstood.

Do not misunderstand me though….I do know there is a horrendous amount of it happening and it MUST be dealt with!! But, let’s be part of the solution, not part of the problem and deal with it at face value.

I feel “the powers that be” need to take a step back and THOROUGHLY analyze this awful situation. Call it what it is…a true bullying situation that needs swift attention so to keep everyone involved safe and use it as a learning experience, or another one of life’s tough lessons that NEED to be experienced as you will certainly need it again in life.   Teasing, mocking, kidding, or joking has more than one connotation…do we agree on that? Bullying…HAS ONLY ONE…INTIMADATION!   The label of bullying has become muddied in translation and we truly can’t come together on a solution if we don’t understand the words!

I have raised two fantastic children!!! Let me tell you, I have, as a Mother, dealt with all of the above and come close to snatching a child or two bald headed for bullying my them!!! Remember we are still talking about my opinions here so please don’t think I am advocating (bald children)! We did however, have lots of conversations on how to handle the bully…..or even if…it was a true bully. Side note….one boy was just totally obnoxious and out of line….because he had a crush on my daughter….he wasn’t a bully, but (almost bald) J Lesson learned on that one!

Let’s get back to teasing. Think about this; how many times have you teased, joked ya know, truly was just playing with a family member or a friend and you thought you were dang funny??? Well, turns out you embarrassed or hurt their feelings but they never told you that. Nooooo they instead, went to other people and voiced their feelings of hurt or mad and repeated the scenario (possibly embellishing a bit)….see the snowball effect?? So, the next time you see this person…you still have no idea they “took” you wrong…you repeat the “funny thing” and they still don’t voice how that is hurtful and the cycle is full swing now and you….are labeled a bully for continuing to hurt this poor person….Of course if you KNEW…you would cease and desist and apologize!

These kind of experiences must must must be taught to our children! If they can’t handle the good the bad and the ugly of life they are destined to live lonely and scared and ill-equipped.  We need to teach them to have a back bone and a funny bone to get along in life. Parents, educators, lawmakers and society as a whole need to be part of these life lessons.

Mommy that person is staring at me…or the adult…what’s that dudes problem staring at me, what a jerk. Another one….everyone stares and me in my wheelchair…..everyone ignores me in my wheelchair. Sometimes you can’t win for losing! Staring doesn’t mean a negative! It just might mean a “look” or maybe you resemble someone else. Or….you might have something attractive on or you might be just good looking and people want to stare!!! I have encountered the wheelchair scenario a few times. I know people in wheelchairs so when I give a second glance it’s to check if that’s my friend. I am truly sorry if you have been picked on before but, please know, I was just looking. When I recognize that I got caught “staring” I always smile and say “I’m sorry you look just like someone I know” That always seems to work.

“Judging” seems to be another buzz word that gets a lot of negative attention. We pay people big money to “judge” people.  To me….I will judge you in the same way I will have an opinion about you; that doesn’t mean I will ONLY be negative!!! I might judge you to be the happiest person I know and I want to spend more time with you….or the meanest and I don’t want anything to do with you! Either way, it is my opinion. Thank God I have one I hope to use it wisely!!

The purpose of this post was not to ramble on and on, but to hopefully make you THINK before reacting negatively in a given situation. And to get an ongoing  conversation as to how we, as a society can help raise strong, caring and productive children that have enough esteem instilled in them to be able to pay it forward.

I don’t have all the answers for sure, on how to handle all of the degrees of bullying. I just know that they all can’t be dealt with the same way.  This is not a one size fits all situation by no means.

I run the gambit of experiences with dealing with bullies starting in Kindergarten. That was small stuff compared to being 18 years old and losing my Mother to the ultimate bully who shot and killed her.  Every lesson I taught my children about consequences was, in part, about this awful tragedy.

One of my very good friends was the school bully for years.  Her childhood story is sad and unique but still with some very typical parts of a bully back ground. The great news is she grew up to be a very good proud Mother with a great sense of humor and has a lot of love to give.

I was the child that got into fights sticking up for the ones that got bullied. Oddly enough, that is how I started to become friends with the friend I just told you about. These experiences have taught me lessons that I am glad I learned. I am strong and have a well stocked “tool box”. When I run head on into a difficult situation, I have the right tool to use.

One last thought…well maybe.

As parents, we teach our children to look out for cars and to move so they don’t get hit. We teach them to duck a ball thrown at them…or to catch it so they don’t get hurt. Right?? That seems like normal stuff to teach a child. Well, we need to remember bullies and the bad stuff…. ARE GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! Give them the tools to handle it…..might have to try a few different tools, but keep trying!!!

Ok…really one last thought J

Young parent’s today have to deal with so so so much more than I did raising my kids. The crap and the negativity and the down right mean-spirited people on TV is shocking to me. Even news anchors are getting their “jabs” in. To pick on some celebrity for their hair or dress choice or even the size of the dress is just sending the message that it’s ok to be that way…..even funny. Well it’s not!!! The comedians hide behind their job title like its ok to be mean. I have a great sense of humor but when it’s at the expense of some one’s feelings it is just wrong!

My family and friends have heard these rantings for a long time now. It was time to put pen to paper and get my thoughts organized….which will only lead to more posts, stay tuned and go give a child some esteem.

~Suzi S

USA Today’s Bullying Article Is Brutally Honest

Bruce Kugler, a contributing writer for USA Today wrote a very strong article on bullying titled “Bullying in USA: Are we defenseless?” In this straightforward article, Mr. Kugler brings up the latest victims of the bullying issue and asks the question to us all in his article title.

What’s the answer? At one point in the article, his daughter, after he tells her of a recent tragedy tells him that “It’s Not Going To Get Better”, changing the current catch phase of the anti-bullying movement. It is a sad, but honest article of  some of the current cases of bullycide and victimization due to bullying.

In the article, Mr. Kugler shares a story of Amanda Cummings, who recently committed suicide due in part to bullying. He shares:

“On Dec. 27, a 15-year-old high school sophomore named Amanda Cummings walked onto the main boulevard in her neighborhood and, according to witnesses, threw herself into the path of an onrushing bus. She died from her injuries six days later. Police say that at the time of the accident, she was carrying a suicide note in her pocket. . .

She had beenbullied relentlessly at her school, mostly by other girls. She had suffered a failed romance that brought her into conflict with a female classmate. She had reportedly sunken into a fog of drugs and alcohol. And most sickeningly, even as she lay dying in the hospital, the bullying continued on her Facebook page. To make matters worse, police investigators have yet to rule the suicide a result of bullying, citing lack of evidence. . .

. . .According to the Children’s Defense Fund, one child or teen in America commits suicide every five hours. Additionally, says the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, for every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 attempts. And a review by Yale University finds that victims of bullying are two to nine times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims.”

The article talks further about how his daughter comes in soon after he finds this information out and as he talks to her, he shares her reaction, which as expected is not very positive. The article asks if bullying is a problem without a solution. Is there really any cure to bullying that can be implemented and work?

I have asked this same question and while I believe awareness and good anti-bullying programs are very important and worthwhile, they are NOT a cure. If someone chooses to be a bully, they will find a way to be a bully to someone at some time. And the fallout of someone choosing to bully can have cascading consequences, as the article also points out.

Another recent story, which by far shows the bigger problem with bullying is the recent suicide of Kevin Jacobsen. His story is one that shows just how deep the damage from bullying can go. He wasn’t the bullying victim, but the father of a boy who killed himself due to the bullying he experiences. Mr. Jacobsen lost his 14-year-old son, Kameron, last year due to bullycide. In the following year, Kevin Jacobsen became one of the leading anti-bullying activists, creating an anti-bullying website and appearing with Marlo Thomas to discuss the issue. But his son’s tragedy took a toll on him and his family and he chose to end his own life as well. What can be said here for this tragedy following on the heels of another? What answer is there to this?

Mr. Kugler ends his article with a statement saying his article is without a solution and asks “does anybody have one?” After reading his article, I’ll have to think longer about an answer to his question. What do you think?

Movie Bullies Show Truths

The website Bestonlinecolleges.com put up a list of the ten most believable movie bullies with clips from each movie. Since my last post was about a movie about bullying, I thought this list both interesting and a bit accurate. Although there have been many movie bullies over the course of film history, this list has two that I think represent what many school aged bullies are like.

From their list, I think that Scut Farkus (I always thought it was Scott, but looked it up and it is Scut. That name almost make it worse.) from “A Christmas Story” is representative of elementary and middle school bullies (at least as I remember them). Bestonlinecolleges.com describes him as:

The infamous bully with the yellow eyes is a classic example of a neighborhood ruffian, terrorizing the smaller kids with his trash-talking minion by his side. While the wolf’s theme from Peter and the Wolf may not have literally played whenever our old antagonists appeared, it’s certainly close to the menacing theme song we imagined. Farkus makes Ralphie and his friends cry “Uncle,” stalks them on their walks home, and nails them in the face with snowballs, but just like many real-life bullies, he’s not above crying when he gets a taste of his own medicine.

As for girl bullying, as I wrote about previously, the movie “Easy A” shows what many girls experience as bullying, particularly in middle and high school. Bestonlinecolleges.com describes the bullying in this movie as:

Bullies come in all forms, and even people who feel like they’ve got good intentions can turn into tormenters. In Easy A, a girl lies about losing her virginity and an overzealous (student) named Marianne spreads the rumor and ruins the girl’s reputation. Though this character is a little over-the-top, she serves as a reminder that bullying someone because they don’t follow your religious beliefs is still bullying and there are better ways to save someone than trying to run them out of your school.

As I wrote about in my review of “The Fat Boy Chronicles”, sharing movies and stories about bullying are helpful in showing that others have experienced bullying in their lives and that no one is alone in having to deal with bullying. These movies and the ones on the list and not on the list help us to understand and sometimes see solutions to dealing with bullying. To view the other eight movies on the bestonlinecolleges.com list and their comments, you can go to http://www.bestonlinecolleges.com/blog/2012/the-10-most-believable-movie-bullies.

The Fat Boy Chronicles

I recently received a screening  copy of the new movie, “The Fat Boy Chronicles“, a story about obesity and bullying based on the book by Diane Lang and Michael Buchanan. the book and the movie are inspired by a true story, which is not hard to believe given that the themes in the movie and I’m sure in the book are shared by many of those that have to deal with bullying due to their weight or other issues that make them different.

This is a “must-see” movie for those teens and young adults who deal with this kind of bullying every day. The story follows the character of Jimmy Winterpack through his first year of High School. When we meet Jimmy in the movie, he has already suffered through the younger years of bullying during elementary and junior high. The ramifications for him are that he is now quiet and reluctant to make any friends, even when another young overweight boy tries to talk with him on one of the first days of school.

During the course of the movie, we see Jimmy deal with some old and some new bullies, including the jocks of the school. But we also watch as Jimmy realizes that he likes one of the other new girls in the school, one who has also dealt with difficulties in her life that had consequences for her. We also watch as Jimmy’s one good friend also has to deal with his life and family issues, helping show how different youth deal with different issue of bullying. A preview of the movie is posted on YouTube and you can watch below.

Through Jimmy’s journals and words you can feel the isolation and pain that he feels due to the bullying he has had to deal with. As the movie builds, Jimmy has an epiphany during a doctor’s visit that he needs to make a life change. Jimmy is also lucky to have both a loving family and strong faith that help keep him grounded and able to seek and get the support and help he needs. This theme in the movie is one that establishes why Jimmy might be able to move forward and overcome the torment from his bullies.

Christopher Rivera does a commendable job in the lead role as Jimmy. I would think it takes a lot of courage to take on this role as the overweight kid being picked on. All of the actors make you believe that this could be happening to them and the bullying moments are close enough to real to make many people cringe watching them. But in the end, the movie has an uplifting theme about our own inner strength and character and that, if you want, you can overcome the things that other people cause us to feel in our lives. I certainly recommend that this movie be shown in schools, in religious institutions, and in communities where bullying is a problem. It can help teach and influence youth to adjust their behavior or reaction to others to both help prevent bullying and help overcome bullying. In truth, we need more books and movies like “The Fat Boy Chronicles” to be made and available to watch and learn from.

You can purchase this movie or book through Amazon or other local retailers and discover the story for yourself. To close this post, here’s a nice interview done on a FOX affiliate with the director and star of the movie.

The Sun

Shayna sent me the following poem she wrote for a school class on the subject of bullying. I am certainly happy to share her beautiful poem with you here. ~Alan Eisenberg

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I walk to school smelling the fresh air.
Then as I sit down,
the Suns powerful and harmful rays hit like a stream of lighting during a storm.
They hit quicker and quicker,
calling me names,
insulting me like I was a star,
weak, puny, helpless.

But I, a helpless star,
am a very important part of our solar system.
I am larger than you see me to be.
I’m a bright shining ball of plasma,
and I shine stronger than any.

You are the sun.
You are big and powerful and try to get me to do as you want.
You are bulkier,
you burn in a fiery ball, waiting to mimic more helpless stars.
But we burst out in flames.
We defend ourselves from you`re insulting, and strong rays.

We grab our shields and block ourselves from being hit.
We won`t take pain.
We are stronger and better than you.
You just don`t belive it

~Shayna

Bullying and Passive Agressiveness

I came across an interesting article about the idea of eliminating passive aggressive behavior published in August 2011 on the Livestrong.com site and authored by Jake Lawson. The article sparked for me many issues that I believe people who deal with the long-term effects of bullying have to face. One of the biggest issues that long-term bullying people can develop is a fear of showing honest feelings or outward appearance to others. This distrust of others that comes from years of torment can turn to become a passive aggressive personality trait in many victims of long-term bullying.

So, as I sat and read this article, I thought that I would share it with you, because I found myself in much of what this article had to say and correlated this to the long-term effects of bullying and how it plays into personality traits that I harbor to guess many of those that deal with this past share. The article defines passive aggressive behavior as a self-test in the following way:

What is passive aggressiveness?
I act in a passive aggressive way when I:

• hide my hostility by seeming to be nice to someone I dislike, and am unable to be honest with the person.
• say I agree with something but don’t follow through because I really don’t agree with it.
• act opposite to what others are expecting.
• quietly manipulate to get my own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace.
• seek revenge by agreeing and looking “good,” but never following through on my promises.
• tell people what they want to hear, even if I don’t believe in what I am saying.
• try to please people by agreeing to their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite.
• act one way, which is true to my inner feelings, yet say another.
• am out of touch with my inner feelings; the only way to know how I feel about something is to observe my behavior, don’t trust my words.
• hate something or someone but am afraid of letting my true feelings show.
• feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when I really don’t want to.
• avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what I agreed to do.
• am angry but afraid to show my anger, so I quietly take my revenge by doing the opposite.

I think there are some interesting items here, such as the “avoid conflict” issue and “afraid to show anger” issue as well as the “seeking revenge” items.

What are the typical reactions to my passive aggressiveness?
When people recognize my passive aggressiveness they:

• are surprised.
• get disappointed.
• get angry.
• are confused by my behavior.
• confront me on my actions.
• realize that I lied to them.
• get frustrated by the inconsistency in my behavior.
• begin to do battle with me, resulting in a conflict greater than the one I originally tried to avoid.
• get upset and fly into a rage and this damages the relationship.
• no longer trust me.
• resent me for being dishonest.
• act in a similar way with me and our communication winds up at a standstill where neither of us “wins.”
• feel challenged by me and in their competitive reaction become more adamant in seeking to achieve what I had originally verbally agreed to with them.

Here I feel there are many telltale signs to why a person who has had to deal with bullying might develop passive aggressive personality traits. The idea of conflict avoidance and then unrealistic anger reaction are key elements to my belief that these traits come from years of trying to change behavior to deal with the conflict that comes from bullying. The next section, I believe, is even more telling.

What irrational thinking keeps me being passive aggressive when I disagree with others?

• I must avoid an argument, fight or conflict at all costs.
• I never “win” in confrontation.
• There is no use in opposing them, they are much more powerful than I am.
• I must please people by telling them what they want to hear.
• I never get anywhere by showing my anger openly.
• It’s bad to get angry.
• No one wants to know how I feel.
• No one will understand how I feel.
• My problems are unique; I need to hide them since no one would understand.
• I am a loser and failure anyway; why try to defend my position?
• I will never “win” in this situation; why try?
• I enjoy seeing people get blown away by my agreeing with them and then my doing the opposite of what I agreed to do.
• I’d rather back down right away to minimize the damages a fight could bring rather than tell people how I really feel about things.
• It’s so hard to be honest with people about how I feel when what I feel is counter to what they want me to feel.
• It’s important for people to like and accept me and I say anything just so long as they like me.
• It’s not what I do or how I act that is important to people, it is what I say that influences them.
• People will never know I’m angry and disagree with them.
• I hide my feelings well from others.
• Feelings don’t count. It is better to deny my feelings than upset another person I am in disagreement with.
• I’d rather lie than get into an argument with someone.
• If I lie about how I feel, others will never know the truth.

The first of these items definitely struck me as a trait that is built from past bullying. The idea of avoiding confrontation certainly begins to grow as you recall being confronted during bullying. The idea of never winning is also a common trait. In fact, the majority of this list, I believe, ties to thinking that many who have dealt with serial bullying feel or develop similar feelings around. While this article lists them as irrational thoughts, the idea behind it is very much a common trait of victims of bullying.

If you go to the article, it continues to talk about how then you can recognize and confront others that are passive aggressive with you. But, I want to share the part that talks about correcting the self from passive aggressive behavior. The article discusses why you should correct it and how to do it. This is an important part of what I believe would be working to confront and improve the damage done to a self from years of bullying. The article gives this advice:

If I find myself being passive aggressive, how can I correct this?
To avoid being passive aggressive with others, I can:

• try to be assertive, open and honest with my negative feelings or anger.
• warn people to “read” my behavior rather than my words if they want to know my feelings.
• confront myself with my inconsistent behavior and challenge myself to explain it.
• take the risk to confront my anger assertively and “on the spot” so that I can bring my behavior in line with my feelings.
• work at making my behavior consistent with my feelings.
• change the way I interact with people and make my relationships more honest.
• admit that I have been a liar.
• work at being more honest with people even if it results in a conflict.
•  identify the irrational thinking that prevents me from confronting people when I am angry.
• learn how to become assertive with my negative feelings.
• accept that it is OK to have conflict and disagreement.
• learn to compromise and come to a “win-win” solution.

Why is it useful to eliminate my acting passive aggressive?
By eliminating passive aggressiveness when I am angry, I could:

• have deeper, more honest and longer-lasting relationships.
• feel less stress, anxiety and depression in my dealings with others.
• learn to be clear and consistent about my feelings.
• reassure others that they will no longer have to guess how I “really feel.”
• stop resorting to lies about my feelings.
• develop self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.
•  have more energy because I would no longer be defending myself from powerful, intimidating people.
• have clarity of focus and purpose, working on the things I want rather than what others want for me.
• have fewer people venting their rage on me.
• experience a sense of harmony in my life.

Tips to Overcoming being Passive Aggressive
Tip 1: Tell the person immediately how I am feeling, even if I am angry or in disagreement.
Tip 2: Allow the other to express feelings openly as well.
Tip 3: Ask the other to allow for a compromise “win-win” solution.
Tip 4: Ventilate feelings, then jointly brainstorm solutions.
Tip 5: Arrive at a solution in which we both “win.”
Tip 6: Act on solutions in which we both “win.”
Tip 7: Make sure my actions are consistent with the agreement.
Tip 8: Make sure my behavior is consistent with my feelings and what I said in the agreement.
Tip 9: Give the other person permission to point out when my behavior deviates from our agreement.
Tip 10: Monitor my emotions and renegotiate our solution if they aren’t consistent with our compromise.
Tip 11: Let the other know if I get upset over the compromise with no masking of my feelings.
Tip 12: Confront intimidation openly and honestly.
Tip 13: Ensure that our relationship is based on honesty.
Tip 14: Accept the uniqueness and individuality of others, allowing each of us to be ourselves.

Personally, I found a lot of good knowledge and advice in much of this article and believe that many of us exhibit passive aggressive traits, whether bullying is part of your history or not. But for those that were victims of bullying, I think it is easy to fall into passive aggressive behavior due to the past. What do you think? I’m interested to hear from those that were victims and if they feel the same. Let me know your reaction to this article and idea that a long-term effect of bullying can be a development of passive aggressive behavior as a coping mechanism.

The Verdict is in for Parents of Phoebe Prince

CNN reported that the settlement for the parents of Phoebe Prince has been released and made public. The verdict in the case of the 15-year old Phoebe Prince, who committed suicide after relentless bullying by her classmates was completed in November of 2010, but the records were sealed until recently.

A reporter successfully sued to have the documents released recently and they show just how much the bullying can cost the perpetrators and schools that do not take action.

CNN reported that Phoebe Prince’s parents, Anne O’Brien and Jeremy Prince, received the $225,000 settlement sum after filing a complaint with the state’s Commission Against Discrimination in 2010, arguing that South Hadley Public Schools failed to address hazing that preceded their daughter’s death.

The local government didn’t want the settlement reported, but could not keep it confidential. This is a major amount won in a case of bullying leading to a suicide and certainly sets a precedent that schools and districts need to be vigilant to now allow rampant bullying in their schools and communities.

While money can never replace the life of a human being, the price of ignoring bullying needs to have some value in the courts. Hopefully this can lead to some good in the future for this area.